Pearl, Pearl, Pearl
by MissFeral
Summary: When two men love the same women, there can only be trouble. Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs pay a visit to Pearl Bodine but they never expected to suffer the consequences. Takes place during the episode 'Jed Throws A Wingding'. Oh, and keep your rude comments to yourself.
Pearl was very excited. Tonight she was going to see two old friends again after many years. Up and down the stairs she went, trying on dress after dress; struggling to make up her mind which one to wear. Her cousin Jed was throwing a Wingding at his mansion and she had to look her best.

Back in her day, Pearl had been a ravishing beauty with long flowing hair and a splendid figure. Because of her good looks, she gained the attention of many local boys. Among her many admirers, were two young men known as Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs.

These two companions used to fight over Pearl constantly – each one trying to win her hand in marriage. Lester played his guitar and Earl played his banjo. They sang love songs to her until their throats got sore. Pearl was prettiest girl they had ever seen. Both Lester and Earl adored her equally. But Pearl never married either of them because she liked them both so much that she couldn't make up her mind. Both men were so charming and so doggone good-looking.

But tonight Pearl had no choice. She had to make up her mind once and for all. Lester and Earl were coming to see her and they surely would want her answer. Pearl decided to wait until they arrived before she made up her mind. They would both be middle-aged by now.

After what seemed like forever, Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs finally arrived at the mansion. To announce their arrival, they stood outside the door and played their guitar and banjo; singing a ballad they had written for Pearl's wealthy cousin:

 _Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed  
Poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed  
Then one day he was shooting at some food,  
And up through the ground come a bubbling crude  
Oil that is…_

It was so fun to see them again after so many years! But still, Pearl just couldn't decide which one to marry. Whichever one she chose, it would leave the other heartbroken.

Finally, Pearl came to a decision.

"I can't marry either one of them," she said to her cousin Jed. "Why, if I was to marry one, it would break up a great team. Their friendship would be over."

Jed agreed and told Pearl to do whatever she thought was right. Then Pearl thought to herself, _Maybe I should make myself completely undesirable…so terrible and so vicious that neither Lester or Earl would ever want to marry me anyway! That way, I won't have to break their hearts. But now the question is – How on Earth can make myself undesirable?_

Pearl put her brain cells to work, and pretty soon, she came up with a wonderful plan. She slowly started to grin.

Next thing they knew, Lester and Earl were being strapped to the couch by Jed and Granny – both of whom were stronger than they were. When Lester and Earl asked what was going on, Jed told them that the whole thing was Pearl's idea.

"She's just going to have a little fun with ya'll," he said with a mysterious smile. Then he walked away, leaving the two restrained men alone to face Pearl's wrath.

Then the troublemaker herself strolled into the parlor, singing the very song that Lester and Earl used to serenade her with.

" _Pearl, Pearl, Pearl, come let us see our girl… Are you still our valentine? Do you still look so divine? Come and let us see our darlin' Pearl!"_

"We don't get it," Earl muttered, confused. "Why did you have us tied up, Pearl? We ain't done nothing wrong."

"Don't ya get it, Earl?" Lester asked, slightly smirking. "She's gotten herself all charged up and now she's being kinky with us."

"Oh…," Earl said. He and Lester nodded in unison.

Pearl chuckled and came over to where they were sitting. "No, nothing like that, boys. I'm just a troublemaking, old widow woman who would make a terrible wife…well, maybe not _that_ terrible."

Lester and Earl looked at each other and exchanged puzzled looks. They were sitting side by side on the couch with their feet propped up on the coffee table. They were tied up with thick strips of sheets. Before either man had a chance to speak again, Pearl came forward and removed their shoes and socks.

"What are you going to do to us?" asked a confused Earl.

Lester was equally confused now too. "Maybe she wants to count our toes?" he suggested, wiggling his bare tootsies.

Pearl giggled as she knelt down by their bare feet, mouth watering as she thought about what she was going to do.

"You know, fellas…I've known the two of you for a long, long time. But I never knew if you were..."

"If we were what?" asked Lester.

Pearl grinned an evil grin. "Are you ticklish?"

Lester and Earl felt their hearts nearly drop into their stomachs. They were tied up. They were barefoot. They were completely defenseless.

"Please no!" Earl begged.

"Now Earl, just keep your shirt on," said Lester, trying to keep calm. "She wouldn't do that to us. She just wouldn't…would you, Pearl?"

"Oooh, I certainly would!" she said as she produced a long, stiff, red feather.

Lester still managed to keep his cool but Earl broke down and started calling for help.

Pearl wasted no time. She took position at Earl's feet and began gliding the feather up and down his bare soles.

Earl burst out laughing instantly. "HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! NOOOO! STOP! PLEASE STOP IT! HAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Pearl giggled to herself and continued tickling his feet. "Oh, my stars and garters! I never knew you were so ticklish, Earl! This is wonderful! Coochie coochie coo…"

Lester's eyes widened as he watched his poor friend go nuts with laughter. He had known Pearl ever since she was a ripe young girl and he never dreamed that she was capable of something like this.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAA! OOOOHHH PLEASE STOOOOOP! HEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEE! NO MORE TICKLING! PLEASE!" Earl cried through his laughter.

Pearl let the feather stroke the arches of his feet, driving him to tears of laughter. Then she began to tickle the pad of his big toe.

Earl went bright red and let out a peal of hysterical laughter. He arched his back and tried harder than ever to escape the brutal tickling.

Pearl tickled his cute toes mercilessly. She dragged the feather back and forth between his big toe and the next toe. Then she tickled between all the other toes and also the undersides of them. She learned with glee that this was Earl's most ticklish spot.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! OOOOOOHHHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! P-PEARL NOOOOOO! CUT IT OUT!" Earl shrieked, tears and sweat flowing freely down his face.

"This little piggy went to market! This little piggy stayed home! This little piggy had sweet potato pie! And this little piggy had none!" Pearl sang happily, wiggling each toe playfully between her fingers.

Lester cringed and turned away.

The tickle torture went on for about ten solid minutes before Pearl stopped and gave Earl a break. But she wasn't finished yet.

Then she went over to Lester and began tickling his feet with the quill end of the feather.

Pearl expected Lester to be less ticklish than Earl, considering the fact that Earl was the younger of the two. But she soon learned that old Lester was pretty ticklish nonetheless.

"HOOOOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHO! PEARL, WAIT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! STOP THAT! IT TIHIHIHICKLES! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!" Lester laughed, struggled helplessly against his bonds.

"Tickle tickle tickle! Coochie coochie coo!" Pearl teased him, relentlessly.

She tickled his soles and toes for a good ten minutes. Then she stood up and put down the feather.

Lester was sweaty, teary-eyed, and gasping for air – just like Earl had been doing when his turn had ended.

 _Goody, now they'll never want to marry me and I won't have to hurt their feelings!_ Pearl thought contently to herself.

"P-Pearl?" said Lester, weakly.

"What is it, Lester?" asked Pearl with a smile.

"Can you…can you please do some more?"

Pearl's jaw dropped. "What?"

"P-Please…tickle me again," Lester said, blushing.

Earl also began to smile and blush. "Yeah, we kind of like it!"

Pearl rolled her eyes and face palmed.

The End

 **~ So there you have it, folks. Pearl Bodine as the love-crazy ticklephile I always knew her to be. ~**


End file.
